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clubs + bars : our favourites
DJ Lord Ant B's Gimme 5 Champion Chav Hotsopts
Places to avoid at all costs unless of course you are,
or show desperate signs of Chavness (apologies for any readers who might
actually be Chavs!
Call the Chav help line: 020 7839 5222).
Chinawhite @ 6 Air Street, W1 / Mon
to Sat 8pm - 3am / £15
Enter the Dragon and down into the bowels of the Café Royal. The
main room décor is done in a chintzy Chavish kind of way, all crimson
crepe, blood red banquet and velvety scatter cushions. The loos come complete
with pebble waterfall hand wash troughs guarded by butch looking toilet
attendants who want to shower you in puffy perfume. It tends to attract
D-Z list celebs, minor footballers, one hit wonder pop stars and general
15min wannabes (a previous hangout for fully fledged Chav and uber slut
Jordon). Blond hair and silicone adorn the dance floor. Chavs sip on cheap
magnums of champagne that looks like Cristal. Wednesday is the tackiest
nite, Tuesday is slightly less tacky and trendy whilst Friday and Saturday
are just pure common filth. Chinawhite's music policy is generally non
descript as big name house / RandB DJs play / throw out nu-hop, sexy,
French house cutz, chucking in the occasional 50c (a Chavster role model
and music hero) hiphop hit. You wouldn’t get me in there for all
the tea in China.
Tiger, Tiger @ 29 Haymarket, SW1 / Mon
to Sat 12pm - 3am, Fri and Sat £10 after 10pm
As Tony the Tiger would say a ‘Grrrrrrrreat’ hunting ground
for huge packs of hormone hungry horny Chavettes. A multi layered cattle
market / restaurant come club that holds five separate bars. These include
The Oriental Cocktail bar, the geometrically themed Lounge, the art deco
Blue Bar with its exclusive snogging boudoirs, and finally the Party Down
Club with its ‘no extra charge’ to get in. This tends to act
as a female Chav magnet and is home to The Bicardi Breezer Brigade. Checkout
their distinctive markings – shockingly dyed hair pulled back into
an ultra tight bun, otherwise known as a ‘Council house facelift’
prowling around on all fours in denim skirts that are too short for their
mottled blue thighs, and Barbie doll pink Von Dutch tops that expose an
unsightly ‘pinch more than an inch' flabby midriff, chugging away
on cheap ciggies with expensive names like Mayfair and Sovereign. Known
as the brilliant place to have a prize bust up with your bird! Lets Chav
it Biatch!
Browns @ 2/4 Great Queen Street, WC2
/ Mon to Sat 11pm - 6am / £15 Girls free b4 12am
Browns is pure 80s glamour. Bring out your blazin’ bling-bling (a
previous trip to Argos or Ratners should do the trick). More flash than
ca$h with goldie looking chains, sovereign rings, Pat Butcher style giant
hoped earrings and heavy, heavy bangles. A dark neon lit dance floor greets
you on the ground floor, whilst upstairs you’ll find the Super-chav-sclusive
VIP room lounge seating and table service + private room. Browns was once
a real sex, drugs and rock’n’roll place that super models
and rich sheik Princes used to frequent, but now its just Chav-central.
Ministry of Sound @ 103 Gaunt Street,
SE1 / Fri and Sat 10.30pm – 5am / £12
Ministry of Sound is a mini chav kingdom. It's also one of the biggest
clubs in the world, selling everything from hookie branded club wear to
hugely popular - ‘Now that’s what I call Chav Music 52’
type compilations that can be heard blastin’ out of Boy Racer souped
up Vauxhall Chav-aliers with their blacked out windows, reinforced seat
belts, and go faster stripes. This is where Chav goes to town and can
get away with wearing the full top to tail Chav uniform gear including
white trainers (in what is sometimes described as ‘prison white’,
so clean they look new) which come in Reebok / Le Coq Sportif / Adidas
Superstar flavas! White Terry toweling socks that lead into tracksuit
(‘trackie’) bottoms, Adidas Samsons being a firm favourite.
Next up is either a Ralph Lauren or Hackett Polo shirt. But of course
the jewel in the brown check crown is of course the Burberry baseball
cap (most fakes to be found for a fiver down the market) which are usually
worn at a jaunty angle or back to front (ahem). Are you a Fab Chav?
Rouge @ 144 Charing Cross Road, WC2 /
Fri and Sat 10.30pm - 4am / £10
"Sex and the City meets Studio 54 with a twist of Taboo at Rouge,
a glamourous new space. Four floors, five bars, six spaces with ultra-chic
interiors, excellent service, delicious cocktails and unforgettable parties
– Rouge is the biggest, most talked about and hippest late nite
venue in the West End.” is how the press bumph goes. It has also
been described as “the next stop on a train coming from Essex…”.
It also goes on to say “This is where you’ll find Bianca Jagger
dancing with Busta Rhymes.” More like this is where you’ll
find Bianca from Eastenders with Rickeeeey doin’ the bump’n’grind!!!
It’s a chavestry.
If all else fails – and those stuck up b’stards
won’t let you in with the “Sorry Guv no caps, trackies or
trainers tonite” then there is always the welcome world of Wetherspoon
pubs. Check dis for your nearest www.jdwetherspoon.co.uk/pubfinder/.
MAKE MINE A PINT (CAN) OF SPECIAL BREW
Carlsberg Special Brew was launched way back in 1950
to commemorate Sir Winston Churchills’ visit to Copenhagen (he was
regarded as a bit of a hero in Denmark). It is the the biggest selling
‘super strength’ beer in the UK. It has a whopping 9% alcohol
volume, and can be found in your local offie nestlin’ amongst the
White Lightning, and Thunderbirds. If you consume too many of these mustard
coloured cans don’t be surprised to be greeted, not by the face
of a loved one, but that of a toothless homeless man wanting his blanket
and whippet back, hence its other name ‘Electric Soup’. You
have been warned!
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